The Exam
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Jaden is terrible at taking exams.  See what his classic answers are like in this fic.
1. Chapter 1

**The Exam**

My cousin gave me the idea for this. When he was in eighth grade, he had to take short answer tests in History, and for questions such as, "Who was the third president of the United States?" he would put, "Santa Claus."

Now, to the story.

"Turn over your tests the moment I say go," Dr. Crowler said, a stopwatch in his hand. "Go!"

Jaden flipped over the exam and began to answer the questions.

Who was the creator of Duel Monsters?

Where was the creator when he first thought of making the game?

How many Millennium Items are there, and what are they called?

Who were the four finalists at Duel Kingdom?

What are the three Egyptian God monsters called? (Epithets required for full credit)

_a) _What is Seto Kaiba's most powerful non-Fusion monster? _b) _Name a monster with higher ATK than the answer to part _a _of this question. (Your choice cannot be a Fusion or an Egyptian God.)

Who invented Dungeon Dice Monsters?

What is a Vanilla Monster? Give two examples.

What does Fairy Meteor Crush do?

How many DEF points does Aqua Madoor normally have?

Explain the difference between Dark Hole, Raigeki, and Lightning Vortex, including costs.

What Attribute does A Legendary Ocean benefit? Give an example of where A Legendary Ocean might be used.

How would you handle a situation in which your opponent has both Jinzo and Spellcancellor on the Field?

Name seven Fusions of the Elemental Heroes.

What grade do you expect to get on this exam?

BONUS: What is your best friend's middle name?

Here are Jaden's answers:

1._Someone with a Greek name. I believe it was Hermes._

_2.Sweet Home Alabama_

_3.Five. Millenium Donut, Millenium Hotdog, Millenium Racecar, Millenium Pretzel, and Millenium Sailor Moon._

_4.Yugi, Beethoven, Mojo Jojo, and Elmer Fudd_

_5.Abandoned, Frosty the Snowman, and George Jetson. What's an epithet?_

_6.Easy. Blue Eyes White Dragon. Tri-Horned Dragon is stronger._

_7. Spiderman_

_8. It's a monster that is based on a type of food. Mystic Tomato and Hungry Burger are both Vanilla Monsters._

_9.Destroys all Fairy-type monsters face-up on the field._

_10. 2000_

_11..Dark Hole destroys all Face-up monsters on the Field. Raigeki requires you to discard five cards from the top of your deck, in order to destroy all your opponent's monsters. Lightning Vortex costs 2000 points to play. After 20 turns, you win the duel automatically._

_12.A Legendary Ocean benefits the WIND attribute. It lowers the level of all WIND monsters in your hand by two. It also boosts the ATK of WIND monsters by 200 points. You can use it to sacrifice one monster for the level seven Raging Wind, which, when sent to the Graveyard, will destroy all non-WIND and face-down monsters on the field._

_13. I would activate Polymerization, fuse E-Hero Sparkman and E-Hero Clayman to create Thunder Giant. His effect would destroy Spellcancellor, thereby permitting me to activate Spell cards. Then I would activate Kishido Spirit. Attacking Jinzo would not kill Thunder Giant, and I'd be able to play traps again._

_14 .E-Hero Thunder Giant, E-Hero Wild Wingman, E-Hero Steam Healer, E-Hero Flame Wingman, E-Hero Shining Flame Wingman, E-Hero Phoenix Guy, E-Hero Rampart Blaster, and E-Hero Tempest._

_15. An A._

_I don't know his middle name._

An hour after the exam, Dr. Crowler asked to see Jaden alone.

"What is it?"

"If this grade doesn't get you kicked out of school, I don't know what will. I had to give you a 16 percent."

"But I knew most of those questions!"

"Let's see here. You did not know who created Duel Monsters. You got the effects of Dark Hole, Raigeki, and Lightning Vortex all wrong. You said that A Legendary Ocean benefits WIND type monsters."

"Doesn't it?"

"No! It helps WATER!" Dr. Crowler said, yelling at the top of his lungs. "Have I taught you nothing? Now, you only got two questions right, and half of one. Not only that, but you put down eight Elemental Heroes when it only asked for seven. You don't even know how to spell 'doughnut' for crying out loud!"

"But you can't count me wrong for question number fifteen."

"Fifteen. You expected to get an A? I laughed when I saw that. Look, I'm laughing now," Vellian said, leaning back and giving a long, cold guffaw.

Jaden waited for him to stop. "But the question clearly says…"

"Yes. That you should put down the grade you expect. All right, I'll give you that one." Crowler changed the grade to a 23 percent.

Jaden turned to go. "Wait, I have one more crow to pick with you," Vellian said, halting him.

"Okay, but please hurry up, because I've got to get my game on!"

Crowler frowned in disdain at the loathsome expression. "About the bonus question. What kind of noob doesn't even know what his best friend's name is?"

"Dr. Crowler, have you been spending a lot of time on Something Awful Forums again? I've never heard that word used in real life."

"L-O-L. Now, the point is, you could've put anything down for the bonus, and nobody would've been the wiser."

"Okay, then," Jaden said, grabbing his test. He scratched out the words, "I don't know his middle name," and put "Gyrus" on top of it.

Crowler was exasperated. He should have put the exam paper away _before _he had told Jaden the secret of that question. Now he had to give Jaden ten points.

"Ttyl," Jaden said, as he walked out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Exam**

**Chapter Two**

(Jaden's answers italicized.)

1. Name four cards with win conditions. _Raigeki, Heavy Storm, Exodia Parsnath, Petit Moth_  
2. What is the original DEF of Labyrinth Wall? _1000_  
3. Name a monster that can stop players from activating Quick-Spells. _Ancient Elf_  
Combined ATK of Celtic Guardian, Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts, Baby Dragon and Alligator Sword equals? _Over 9000_  
5. What is the name of the Ritual Spell card used to summon Hungry Burger? _Cheeseburger Fiasco_  
6. What are the Fusion Material Monsters required to Fusion Summon Thousand Dragon? _Thousand-Eyes Idol and One Eyed Shield Dragon_  
7. Name two cards with Marauding Captain in their artwork. _Marauding Captain and another Marauding Captain._  
8. What is the effect of Level-Conversion Lab? _Tribute monster on your side of the Field, flip a coin, and call it. If you call it right, you can treat half the level of the monster you Tributed as the level of__ all the monsters in your hand until the end of the turn. If you call it wrong, double the level of the monster you Tributed is what your monsters in hand and on Field are treated as having._  
9. Name a DARK Machine Level 5 Monster with 1200 ATK and no effect. _Succubus Knight_.  
10. What does Card of Sanctity do? _Remove entire Hand from play; draw 2 cards._  
11. What was Mako Tsunami's favorite Attribute? _FIRE_.  
12. Name 2 monsters that appear in Dimension Fusion's artwork. _Injection Fairy Lily and Toon Alligator_  
13. What is the difference between Magical Mallet and Reload? _Reload forces you to discard your hand, and Magical Mallet puts your entire Hand back in your deck. Reload is also a Trap, while Mallet is a Quick-Play Spell_.  
14. What is Yomi Ship's effect? _Destroys all non-WATER monsters on the Field when it's Flipped face-up._  
15. What is Pea****'s effect? _When it is Special Summoned from the Graveyard, you get to draw a card._  
16. What Fusion Material Monsters are used to make Sanwitch? _Sangan, Witch of the Black Forest, Kuriboh and Watapon_.  
17. If you have three Prohibitions in your opening Hand, say what you will call out if you know nothing at all about your opponent. (There are no wrong answers.) _I would Prohibit Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Grave Lure, and Skull Servant._  
18. Imagine that you are working for Industrial Illusions. You are designing a Level 2 warrior monster. Tell us what ATK/DEF you would give it, as well as the effect. _ATK 2100 DEF 1000 Effect: When this monster is summoned, destroy all face-up Spells and Traps on the Field. For each card you destroy by this effect, gain 500 Life Points_.  
19. What is the maximum number of Normal Monsters you can have in your Deck? _8._  
20. Define "broken" and give three examples. _"Broken" refers to a card that is so unfair that it makes your opponent want to scream. Necrovalley is broken because it can help you add Trap Cards directly to your Hand with A Cat of Ill Omen. Jinzo-Returner is broken because it brings out a 2400-ATK Trap Stopperer for one turn. And Gladiator Beast Gyzarus is broken because—well, just because it is._

-

Dr. Crowler looked over Jaden's test in disbelief. There had never been a dumber student in the school since Kaiba opened it up. He called Jaden in.

"Yes, sir?" asked the boy.

"You are goiing to be expelled. Chancellor Sheppard certainly won't want to keep you after this crap you turned in. Look, for example, at what you put for Question 17. 'I will prohibit Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Grave Lure, and Skull Servant.'"

"It says there are no wrong answers."

"Of course there are no _wrong_ answers to that question, but there are _stupid_ ones. Prohibiting the Left Arm won't do anything, because your opponent is not going to put it on the Field in the first place! Nobody plays Grave Lure, and Skull Servant is...well, I don't want to go there. And let's see, you don't know what a win condition is, your List of broken cards is ridiculous, you can't answer trick questions correctly, and I've never graded a worst test in my life!"

"Well, I G 2 G, sir. Got a duel with my pad, if you dig me. C U L8R."

Jaden walked out of the room as Dr. Crowler pulled his hair out.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Exam**

**Chapter Three**

_Take all of the questions on this quiz seriously, as some of you are in danger of failing your entire course if you do not make a passing grade on this quiz. Chancellor Sheppard may have been kind enough to let you stay this long, but trust me that he will boot you out if you don't pass this quiz. You know who you are. The rest of you, just do as well on the quiz as you can. _

_These questions are short answer. That means that you pull the answer from MEMORY instead of filling in bubbles on your scantron just to make pretty pictures. _

_For all True/False questions that you feel is "False," please explain why it is false._

With all seven Crystal Beasts monsters on your field on in your Graveyard, you can summon what dragon from your hand? _Karbonala Warrior_

Name one card that you have to pay half your Life Points to activate. _Hinotama_

What is the cost of Zombie's Master's effect to Special Summon a level 4 or lower monster from your Graveyard? _2000 Life Points_.

True or False: You automatically lose a duel if twelve turns have passed since your opponent activated "Final Countdown." _True._

True or False: You can activate Spell Cards while your opponent has "Secret Village of the Spellcasters" in their Field Spell Zone, controls a Dark Magician, and you have a face-up "Breaker the Magical Warrior" on your side of the Field. _False. "Breaker the Magical Swordsman" is a Fairy-type monster and you can only activate Spell cards while "Secret Village of the Spellcasters" is on your opponent's side of the Field while you have at least 1 face-up Field-type monster if you're opponent has a face-up Divine Beast, which is Dark Magician's type as every fool with a Duel Disk knows._

What is the effect of "Burning Land"? _It removes all the Field Spell cards in both player's decks from play and forces both players to flip their decks upside-down after shuffling from the first effect._

Why do I know that you got question number six wrong? _I didn't get question number six wrong_.

Name a card that increases your Life Points by 1000. _Thunder Crash_

What is the name of the card that destroys all the cards in the column it is in, but requires that all the cards in the column be filled? _What's a column?_

Explain the difference between "This card cannot be Special Summoned except" and "This card can only be Special Summoned by" effects. _There is no difference_.

What is the name of the monster that becomes Toon Mermaid when Toon World is played while she is on the field? _Thunder Nyan-Nyan, of course. My best friend Syrus will be so glad he helped me get this question right_.

What does "De-Fusion" do, and what kind of card is it? _"De-Fusion" is a Continuous Trap that makes it where you do not have to activate Polymerization to Special Summon Monsters. Unfortunately, it doesn't work on E-Heroes. I have tried to run it but it just doesn't do anything when I activate it. I usually wait until I have no Fusion monsters on my Field to activate it so that I can Fuse everything in my hand, but it just won't work._

How many heads does a "Three-Headed Geedo" have? _I don't know. Four?_

Who were the two warring families in the War of the Roses? _The Gravekeepers and the Dark Scorpions_.

If "Man-Eater Bug" is flipped up and the only other monsters on the Field are female (such as "Dark Magician Girl" or "Gemini Elf"), does its effect still go off? _Of course not. "Man-Eater Bug" cannot destroy female monsters. Its effect is nullified and voided._

"Gigaplant" is useful in a deck full of what two monster types? _Beast Warrior and Fish_.

"Token Feastevil" destroys what kind of cards on the field? _Face-up Continuous Trap Cards only._

Name one card that would guarantee you a loss if your opponent activated it and your deck can sixty copies of "Swords of Revealing Light." _There is no card that can do that. Sixty copies of "Swords"! The opponent would never get an attack through! I'd win ever single duel and nothing could stop me, ever!_

What happens if you switch a monster equipped with "Limit Reverse" to defense mode? _It is destroyed and you gain control of one of your opponent's face-up monsters. Your choice._

What is a monster Leon von Shroeder is famous for popularizing? _Mystic Tomato, or was it Pumpking, the King of Ghosts?_

BONUS: How many Life Points do you gain from having "Dancing Fairy" in

Defense mode for four of your Standby Phases? _12,000. Okay, quiz is done. _

_Thanking you in advance for the good grade, Mr. Crowler._

"JADEN! This is the worst quiz I have ever graded in my life, and that's saying something." Dr. Crowler looked very livid.

"Didn't I get a perfect score?"

"The day you get a perfect score is the day the sky starts raining giraffes. Seriously, 'I did not get question six wrong.' I see that on every quiz I graded so far, but on yours I have to say it is ridiculous."

"But if everybody else gave the same answer, it must be right, right?"

"It is right for _them_. Not for you."

"That's not fair, teach! If I give the same answer as everybody else who got it right, I must've gotten it right too."

"No, you did not."

"Well, I know you'll give me the points anyway."

"Not after you called me 'Mr. Crowler."

"But that is your name, isn't it?"

"It's _Dr. _Crowler. I have a P.h.D. in Dueling. How many times do we have to go through this?"

"Whatever, teach. I gotta go duel."

"You'll be expelled in a fortnight, Jaden. Mark my words."

"Chancellor Sheppard isn't going to expel me unless I got a zero."

"Well, that's the grade I gave you, so you're outta here."

"_What_? But I must've got something right."

"Nope. Even your name is wrong."

"How could my own name be wrong, teach?"

"You put Jounouchi Kider in the name box."

"Then how do you know that's my quiz?"

"Because I know your handwriting and that only you would say that 'Three-Headed Geedo' has four heads!"

"It has five heads? Gosh, someone should've showed me the card before I took the quiz."

Dr. Crowler banged his head on the desk. "Why do I ever bother?"

"I'll just add a 1 and a 0 to the top of this quiz paper and take it to Chancellor Sheppard," Jaden said. He took Dr. Crowler's blue marker and did just that. "Thanks, and 'bye!"

He ran out of the room before Dr. Crowler could catch him.


End file.
